Too bad I cant make a nice graphic organizer on my blog. I'd totally make a Venn diagram organizing the advantages and disadvantages of my control freak side. That's pretty psycho I must say... organizing it... ugh.... lol...
I started wondering why am I like this? Why do I get SO FRUSTRATED when my expectations are not met? I have found that in the past 2 years, I have been given much to be responsible for; thus having to control things to make sure my responsibilities are met.
When someone has been given much, he has much power and much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.
Spring has sprung in my school and my classroom, and as much as I have been awaiting this wonderful season, it also means that my students go craaaaazy. This process causes their teacher to pull the reins on her controlling ways. I've got to learn to let things go. The main lesson in the classroom is that the students are engaged in their learning, and they ARE LEARNING. Not me stifling their creativity and telling them HOW I would do it. It's so hard to relinquish control especially when I want things done a certain way.
I mean I have EVERYTHING labeled in my room. I have set to the routine so soundly. I do not detour from the structure of my classroom (at least I try to avoid it as much as possible.) However lately, I have thought, as nice as it is to have a plan in place for each and everything imaginable, I am not in control. PERIOD. Only God is.
So when my plan is deviated, and my students see my face of frustration (especially if I have planned forever), they witness a person who can't handle losing control. That is not the person I want to be. I want them to see someone who is prepared and organized, but knows how to roll with the punches. It's hard to do that graciously.
So as I breathe over my spring break, and rejuvenate, I will be praying for GRACE to be in me. For me to give kindness, love and not flying off the handle (like I tend to do) at my students when things don't go just the way I want, would be such a great testimony to my Christian faith. It's so hard sometimes. To extend grace is definitely not my first thought...it's AAAGHHH!!! Why cant you just do what I told you to do the first 3 times I said it!!!! I wonder if that is how God looked at the Israelites in the Old Testament, or how Jesus looks at me sometimes. But I am pretty sure He just smiles and shakes His head and laughs at my antics, and sends His Spirit to me to say, "Now Leslie. Is that really how you want to handle this situation? These kids are God's children too."
Yep. How can I get frustrated so easily with His creations? It's hard to remember that too. It is not my first thought either...more like thought 127.... not good....
I know this is a constant growing process for me. God's plan for me has always seemed to revolve around the concept of me giving up control and trusting Him completely. So easy to say, so difficult to do for a control freak like myself. But the first step is admittance. Now onto step 2.